Why Small Talk Is Important

By Jennifer Tong

If we google <small talk ESL>, we will easily get different lesson plans or ideas to teach our students ‘small talk’. There is a lot to say about making small talk as a kind of English function, that is to say, a purposeful exchange for particular situations (for example, giving compliments, interrupting, giving suggestions are other kinds of English functions). Students need to learn the techniques of making small talk, for example, the kinds of topics preferred, how to open up a conversation with a stranger, etc. It is also often taught as part of Canadian culture: as an extroverted, friendly, ‘speaking’ culture, Canadians value small talk. We can have good discussions with students about whether the same is true for their cultures.

However, perhaps what is often missed is the broader, human significance of small talk, also what is called ‘phatic communication’. Consider these quotes from the article Phatic Communication Definition and Examples: “Speech to promote human warmth: that is as good a definition as any of the phatic aspect of language. For good or ill, we are social creatures and cannot bear to be cut off too long from our fellows, even if we have nothing really to say to them” (Anthony Burgess, Language Made Plain. English Universities Press, 1964). And, “Phatic communication, or small talk, is an important social lubricant. In the words of Erving Goffman, ‘The gestures which we sometimes call empty are perhaps in fact the fullest things of all'” (Diana Boxer, Applying Sociolinguistics. John Benjamins, 2002). We long to establish connection and sociality, and to feel the presence of another human being, even if they are ‘strangers’.

It seems that there is a trend in vernacular literature to emphasize the importance of ‘peripheral relationships’ – those acquaintances we repeatedly meet in our walks, at the gym, at the coffee shop whom we initially did not ‘know’; and social exchanges like ‘micro talk’. Repeatedly I came across articles like this and this that talk about how small talk can be a bridge leading to profound relationships, and how smiles, nods or brief, at first formulaic, exchanges with these casual acquaintances are actually satisfying and important to mental health. There must be more to say regarding how ‘the phatic’ is wholesome to our lives and how missing this aspect jeopardizes human relationships.

Like many of our students, and perhaps many of us, I struggle with making small talk. However, one recent successful experience left a strong impression and encouraged me towards growth in this area. I went with my husband to a performance venue where his orchestra was scheduled to perform. While all were on stage rehearsing, I was almost the only one off stage at an ‘empty’ venue where the audience hadn’t arrived yet, except for another lady who was accompanying her daughter to that rehearsal. She and I naturally started talking. I asked what instrument her daughter was playing and how long she had played it for. Then the conversation shifted to our common background (we are both from Hong Kong) and she started talking about the changes in the Hong Kong society. Later she shared more personally about when she was planning to go back, and why. I was surprised, and moved, that we could just share like that, and was delighted that in those ‘lonely’ moments I had found a friend.

I would suggest that we keep teaching our ESL students the techniques and how-tos of small talk, but also let them know of the broader significance. (For some excellent suggestions of techniques, see this article.) I would also suggest that we model what we teach, that we seize opportunities to have ‘phatic communication’ with our students outside the class, in the kitchen if we’re meeting in person, and going out for coffee if we normally meet online. We would like to build a bridge to reach them, to form friendships with them that become deeper over time, all the while as we ourselves strive to become more well-rounded, personable relational beings.